September 11th

Ringing, the phone is ringing. I wake up because my phone is ringing. "Hello," comes out of my sleepy, groggy body. I am warm in my bed, my two cats are sleeping at my side as I am reaching up to answer this ringing phone. I am about to hear that our lives as Americans have been changed by black clouds sweeping across the famous New York skyline. Cindy was calling. Her voice trembling with real disbelief in what she was watching on the morning news. "Sandy, it's Cindy. Have you heard? A plane has hit one of the World Trade Center Buildings."

"What?"

"One of the Twin Towers is burning, hit by a plane. They think it's a terrorist attack." Cindy is a person who holds me dear to her heart. Cindy is scared, sad, helpless and reaching out to me to touch and be touched. To be heard and to listen. Cindy's heart was bursting as she watched a body fall to its destined death on a sidewalk in New York City. "Oh no! Another plane just hit the second Tower!" This was now shock. This was now the unknown draping its darkness on a sunny Montana morning now and forever known as 9/11. My heart hurt. My mind stayed still, I did not want to look. I have no TV so I could stay away from seeing what most of the world was watching in unfathomable surprise. Words now became scarce between us. Feelings were strong. "I'll call you back."

I was born and raised in Southern Connecticut. I have family who could be in New York and I needed to know if my friends who live there are safe. I was nowdialing my family. Where is everyone? All safe. All accounted for. I was lucky, I got through to a friend in New York. Grace answers her cell phone responding in her Aussi slang to my questions of her safety. "Yes, Darling, I'm fine." She had been on her way to get her morning coffee and ended up in her friend's restaurant serving coffee to people wandering in off the street in lower Manhattan. She explained she and others thought the explosion was an underground pipe of sorts when the shock wave rattled her apartment. She saw the smoke as she was off to get her coffee and people were already running in confusion. As I tried to continue my calls phones stopped ringing as busy sounds announced New York was cut off and began to smell death.

I needed to call my sister. We have not talked in two years. Stuff that keeps your heart from hurting further, anger and the need for safety from any further pain has kept us from talking. Now it was time to leave my pride and ego, stand in raw love and call. Dianne's husband Tommy is a pilot for U.S. Air, his flight pattern is New York to Boston, Boston, New York three times a day when he is working.

"Hello, Dianne it's Sandy, is Tommy safe?"

"Yes Sandy, he was on the tarmac in Boston ready for takeoff when they turned them around and did not tell them what was happening until they were grounded. He is safe and will stay in Boston until it is safe to fly." We talked a few minute longer. "I love you, Di."

"I love you Sandy, let's heal."

"OK."

Thousands of people died, and now, two sisters could heal. Amazing. I started to cry for everything that was happening in that moment and felt relief and shame. All my loves were safe. Thank you, God. I now called people I love here who have family there. Ed's sister was working in a hospital here where they were prepared for the onslaught of casualties about to rush in. There were only a few emergencies and then the awesome reality, there was to be no onslaught.

Later in the day, I called Peter. He was walking the aisles of Safeway as he told me his brother, Walter, was standing at his New Jersey office window, watching in awe as he witnessed the second plane making its historical turn, exploding reason from all who are watching live coverage or standing in the streets. I truly did not want to see what it looked like. It was done. They collapsed. The New York skyline, families, souls, and the spirit of America as we knew it, was gone. What was even more amazing is that I was supposed to be on a Delta flight to Newark, New Jersey that morning. I was to meet my sister-in-law, Susan, at the airport and drive into New York. I was to be in Boston later in the week for a wedding. I did not get on that plane because fires were surrounding Bozeman for over a month, so I canceled my flight because my heart knew I could not leave my horses and cats with danger so close. Finally my neighbor invited me to see it. "Come up and watch the news." I went. I saw what I knew I would see. Our world changed, challenged and crying. Heroes were born, bravery discovered.

I was in New York when the Towers were being built. They were grand skeletons of steel with lights waving on every level in every square. Higher than any building ever known to man. And two, no less. I marveled as I watched them emerge into our New World of the late 60s and 70s. How they became landmarks of self- power. Gone. Hope was challenged, fear emerged, doubt exploded. More news, more crashes, more deaths.

On Saturday night, I wanted to be with people. I went to Looie's Down Under, a restaurant in Bozeman to see my friend, Bobby, who tends bar there. He was making candle holders out of paper because Paul, one of the owners, wanted to have a small vigil joining New York's candle light service to be held at 7:00pm. I was so pleased, I just walked in and started to help Bobby prepare the candles. Paul wanted to do this because his family in New York was safe, also. He was nervous and passing, not knowing how to get it started. I got off my chair saying "Paul, I'll do it." Bobby started to light the candles as I asked everyone there to please join us in a circle of light for all in New York. Everyone did.

We held candles as I dedicated the light for all who died and to offer peace to their family. Then we were silent. When it was over, strangers hugged, tears flowed, some people were grateful, some impressed, and one man, as he held my hands, told me how inappropriate I was to do such a thing. He was there to get away from it all because people he knew died in the Trade Towers. I apologized as I held his hands in return.

What happened, happened in Cindy's phone call. It is what happened then and needs to keep happening. We need to know who is in our hearts and know that we are in theirs. We need to reach out, to talk, to listen. We need to understand that mankind is not kind and needs to be kinder. We need to be kinder to others and ourselves. We need to let our hearts know that when we are not to be on a plane headed for chaos, we are somehow kept safe even though we are confused by the details until some understanding embraces us with relief. We need to open to life and really live it because we were told on September 11, 2001 by thousands dying on our soil that we are not out of reach of someone's angry God or concept of God's anger. It happens all the time here and all over the world from issues on who's God has the real point of view. We saw and felt cruelty have its way with us, and it came home, to our homes.

So 9/11 turned into September 12th and as time moved on, we were moved into our hearts. Laurie, a friend in California, raised money for The New York Times Need Fund selling angels she made out of clothes pins. They had white feathered wings and held red hearts with For New York written on them. Liz, who writes for a New York magazine, went to over 60 memorials and and exposed fraud so monies could now be recovered for families whose loved ones perished.

Actually, I feel we were all awakened by a call that day. We were all touched. We were all concerned for loved ones on September ll, 2001. We became more because of it. I, in my heart, am so proud of being a part of what has become of the World Trade Buildings - light, beams of light replace beams of steel. Beams of light reaching into the universe for all to see. Reaching to all souls who had their lives taken and souls who had loved ones taken from their lives. Beams of light glowing through the dark, letting us know that change is always a part of life. Life is always challenging us with change. God bless all who died and all their families, for their lives have given us 9/11 to remember for the rest of our lives.

With love and respect for all,
Sandy






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